The real reason for the Russian invasion of Ukraine has finally been determined. Based on interviews with Russian soldiers on the ground in Eastern Ukraine, we at Twee Cat Photography can now confirm that the true motivation behind the invasion of Ukraine was in fact the rescue of fictional swordsman Zorro, most recently depicted on screen in the late ‘90s and early 2000s by Antonio Banderas. This intention was made clear by the use of the letter Z to mark many Russian military vehicles. The endeavor, our sources indicate, arose out of a simple misunderstanding at the highest levels of government.
“They told us to draw a gigantic ‘Z’ on all the tanks so that Zorro would know we were on his side when he saw us coming,” one Russian soldier told us. “We were told that we would find Zorro in one or two days tops. But no one has seen him yet. We knew he wore a mask, so identifying him might be difficult, but no one has seen him at all. A few people are starting to get a little suspicious that he might not be here.”
Many commentators and western analysts had become suspicious that this was the case when the official justification for the “special military operation” in Ukraine was called into question. “It simply didn’t add up,” a western intelligence source who spoke to us on condition of anonymity explained. “The position of the Kremlin has been that the invasion of Ukraine was an operation to remove Nazis from power, which is absurd on its face. The president of Ukraine was duly elected by a strong majority of voters, and furthermore is the descendant of Jewish ancestors who were themselves persecuted by the Nazis during the second world war. To claim that he or the government of Ukraine writ large is a Nazi regime was never believable to anyone. So we knew there must be some other justification.”
A Kremlin insider who spoke to us through an intermediary confirmed that the rescue of Zorro was in fact the principal motivation behind the actions of the Russian military. “Putin spent a lot of time at home alone during the whole COVID thing,” he told us. “He’s immune compromised because of the cancer treatment, so he hardly saw anyone at all. His only communications were virtual. He watched that movie ‘Zorro’ from the 90s twenty, maybe thirty times. After a while, I think the movie and the zoom meetings – it all just started to blend together on him. Somehow, he became convinced that Zorro was being held captive in the Donbas region of Eastern Ukraine, and he decided it was the job of the Russian government to mount a large-scale rescue operation to help him. I have to admit, it all got a little bit out of hand. [Defence Minister Sergei] Shoigu did try to tell him one time that it wasn’t true, that Zorro wasn’t there, that he was fictional. But the table they were sitting at was too long. Putin couldn’t hear him properly, and he thought he was being told that Zorro was there. It was all a huge misunderstanding. After a while, no one wanted to tell him he was wrong because we were all afraid he might get upset. I mean, he really likes Zorro.”
When asked to comment, Ukrainian president Volodimir Zelinsky replied “yeah, that sounds about right,” rolled his eyes, and then went back to doing much more important things.
When asked why certain Russian military vehicles were marked with a ‘Z’ and other with a ‘V’, intelligence officials confirmed that this was a matter of incompetence and insufficient preparation of the part of the Russian military. “The letters Z and V are not part of the Cyrilic alphabet, and the training on how to draw them was not thorough enough,” sources close to the pentagon told us. “The movie ‘Zorro’ was not that popular in Russia, and few soldiers had even seen it. They didn’t know who Zorro was, or that he left the sign of the Z wherever he went as a calling card. So when it came to marking their own vehicles, some put a V without realizing it. I guess they were thinking of that ‘V for Vendetta’ guy. When the difference was pointed out to them, many did not care and simply ignored it.”
Our own correspondent Funkie Ghost requested comment from deceased Ancient Hellenic philosopher Plato. “My own work of dramatic philosophical dialogue ‘The Republic’ is sometimes said to contain the idea that authoritarian systems of government have advantages under some circumstances. If a philosopher king is wise and intelligent, it may be so. However, in the case that a person with absolute power loses touch with reality and begins making decisions on the behalf of the state which are unsound, the opposite becomes true. In the past several years during the Coronavirus pandemic, some credence has been given to the idea that authoritarian governments were better able to deal with the challenges presented by the pandemic. This now seems to be an instance of the weakness of such systems. If power is held absolutely by one or only a few individuals, the apparatus of the state will not be able to compensate for their individual failures of perception or reasoning. Democratic societies may sometimes produce errors of judgment of the opposite sort, such as in the case of Q-Anon, wherein large numbers of people collectively misjudge a situation. But in large part, the community of minds (in the sense envisioned by the American Pragmatists) does eventually come to a better consensus understanding of reality than a few privileged individuals in isolation. While the judgments of the many can sometimes be clouded by mass hysteria, indulgent wishful thinking, racism or other biases, or simple misinformation, the ease with which a few individuals fail in making accurate assessments is much greater. In truth, though the real victims in this conflict are surely the Ukrainians, the Russian people are also victims in the sense that they are being led astray by a man who has lost touch with reality. And after all, if one intends oneself as a swashbuckling Zorro, but ends up as Don Quixote, and, after being shown to be delusional, is defeated by the windmill on top of it all, no one can mistake in that case who the fool really is.”
When asked to comment on rumors that Zorro was in fact a western agent sent to instigate the conflict, a CIA official told us “Zorro was once on the payroll of the CIA, and was extremely helpful in negotiating peace with the moon people after the botched invasion of the moon back in the seventies, but he’s been retired for a while now. And, as of now, we do not believe Zorro is being held captive anywhere.”
~ ~ ~
DISCLAIMER: The foregoing is entirely ludicrous and ridiculous and should not be taken seriously, in part or in whole, under any circumstances. Any and all portrayals of any and all named persons, entities, or beings are entirely fictitious and parodic in nature.
DISCLAIMER 2: The author does not wish to give the impression that they take the war in Ukraine lightly. On the contrary, the situation is appalling and upsetting. The project of satire is to combat real life injustice, idiocy, and inhumanity with humor, wit, and insight. “The pen is mightier than the sword,” etc., etc. We here at Twee Cat Photography pray for peace everywhere, without exception, and for all beings.