Hey, Jerks.
Dear Reader, I am writing to you today as the glad harbinger of the news that an age old philosophical question, which had previously troubled the greatest minds of former generations, has finally been solved. I speak, of course, of the problem of the meaning or ultimate significance of life itself.
What, you didn’t know? Some people have been genuinely troubled about that. Seriously. To some people, it is difficult to conceptualize human life on this planet, or elsewhere I suppose, due to the seemingly intractable problems associated with questions of meaning, value, and significance. How are we to understand the fact that we are born into this world with no apparent purpose or end to realize, for apparently no purpose whatsoever. Doesn’t that trouble you? No? Oh. Well, imagine that it did. What about the problem of suffering – namely, that merely by virtue of being born we will almost certainly be subject to all manner of pains and negative experiences, both bodily and psychological. Isn’t it difficult to cognise such a reality as that, wherein the entire species, perhaps all living organisms of all sorts, are condemned through no fault of their own to no small amount of pain and suffering? Doesn’t that strike you as just a touch unethical and unfair? At the very least doesn’t it kind of suck? I can tell you’re still unmoved. What about the problem of evil? How could a just and loving God, or even a reasonably attentive but otherwise apathetic God, create a universe which contains so much evil? So you don’t believe in God? You know, you aren’t making this easy for me.
Well, no matter. You don’t need to concern yourself too much with the formulation of the question, given that its solution is at hand. You see, an answer to these age old concerns has now been advanced based on the discovery of an old piece of film with which you may be familiar. The film in question depicts a monkey (OK, a chimpanzee, but I’m not about to get technical with you when I’m in the middle of telling you the meaning of life), who is first seen shining shoes, and who is then taught to was a cat. Yes, a cat. I know, I know – this already raises questions. First, why would you teach the monkey how to wash live animals starting with arguably the most difficult one? Second, why does the monkey need to acquire this skill? This is no large demand, as far as I am aware, for monkey cat washers. None at all in fact. Even more straightforwardly, why teach the monkey any of this at all? I don’t think the monkey was probably in search of employment prior to his instruction in the esoteric methods of cat washing. Here’s another thing you may be wondering – did the monkey eventually receive adequate payment for shining all those gentleman’s’ shoes? Put such realistic and practical concerns aside for the moment, and think more deeply and seriously, for once in your lazy, stupid life.
You can see, when you think for a moment with a kind of reflectiveness which is no doubt completely alien to you, but which I have now involuntarily forced upon your fragile consciousness, that the monkey washing the cat in fact answers all possible questions about life and meaning which arise out of our bizarre existential situation. WE ARE THE MONKEY. Why are we washing the cat? No possible reason can be advanced for this. There is no need to wash the cat – the cat is fully capable of washing itself, and moreover, wasn’t even dirty to begin with. Nor are we any good at washing the cat. We have no purpose. We are not crafted, as Sartre wrote in a famous essay, as humanly created objects are, with some kind of end or purpose in mind, but are instead thrown into the world without any aim to realize. We are the monkey. we are mere animals, trapped in an artificial environment which causes us tensions between our animal nature and our new, inhuman artificial environment, in which are are trained to wash a clean cat. No doubt the monkey could have told you a thing or two about that when they were teaching him or her to shine those shoes. “Could I maybe just put a blade of grass into an anthill and eat some ants instead of getting a job that requires me to wear a jacket and deal with these corporate types and their tarnished loafers?” No, Monkey, get back to work. You get a nickel for every shine. We’ve all had similar thoughts from time to time.
Moreover, we are also the cat. We come into the world with no understanding of our situation, only to have numerous confusing and bizarre experiences which we are not fully equipped to comprehend. Why is this monkey washing us? We didn’t need to be washed, nor did we ask to be. Is this some kind of sexual thing on the part of the monkey? What kind of purpose could this possibly serve for either of us? And again, nobody emerges to answer our questions. This is no voice from the sky saying “Cat – thy purpose in this life is to help in the instruction of this monkey. Go forth and be washed.” Really? We are constantly faced with such situations. Were we really born into this world so that we could buy property, invest in the stock market, work a job that we hate, have kids, and then die? Really? There must be some mistake. But then the monkey puts us back down onto the floor, we go about our business, and after a while we mostly forget the question.
Are you starting to get it? Is this still above your pay grade? Your life is meaningless, just like the monkey’s life is. Some jerk took him from where he belonged and made the poor fellow learn to shine shoes and wash a cat. Why? Good question. No answer is forthcoming, except to say that your circumstance is absurd, and in fact does not admit itself to rational investigation in this way. You are the monkey, and you are not fully equipped to analyze your circumstances. In fact, you’re hardly even qualified to shine shoes. And that’s all there is. Isn’t that absurd and hilarious?