This is the official, authorized, and fully endorsed petition to designate “1 Ooch” as an internationally recognized unit of measure. Please add your signature to endorse our extremely important cause. The details are as follows –
I. How Much Is 1 Ooch?
1 ooch is twice as much as 1/2 ooch, but half as much as two ooches. It is much less than 1000 ooches, but much more than .0001 ooches. It’s a little bit more than that. No, a bit more. Keep going…keep going…no, now you’ve passed it. Go back a bit. No, a bit more. No, less than that. OK, listen, are you trying to piss me off? You had it and then you intentionally went too far. One ooch was there and you deliberately went 1/3 ooch too far in the other direction in order to aggravate me. You know I’m a bit on edge these days and you’re trying to push me. Why do you have to be like this? Now stop all the nonsense and go back an ooch more. There. Now you have it. That’s an ooch. Had you followed my instructions to the letter from the start, we could have arrived there much more quickly.
II. What does 1 Ooch Measure?
Everything. And at the same time, nothing. It’s not as tangible as that. Why do you have to be so concrete and materialistic about everything? In weight, 1 ooch is a bit less than a pound, but a little more than sixteen ounces, except on Thursdays, when it’s the other way around. Why is this so hard for you to grasp? It’s only one ooch more or less, you see? For instance, you go to the record player and you want to reposition the needle to return to the previous track, and so you nudge the needle, but not too much – only an ooch. Just an ooch, you see? Not too much. But also not too little.
III. Could I Say “Give me one ooch more?,” or, “Give me an Ooch?”
No. Absolutely not. That’s completely inappropriate. You should never say something like that in polite company. That’s the kind of thing that can land you in court.
IV. Could You Be An Ooch More Specific About What It Is?
Exactly. Now you’re getting it.
V. If One Were To Shoot An Arrow At A Target, How Long Would It Take For The Arrow To Travel One Ooch?
As soon as you take the arrow in hand, the arrow has reached one ooch away from the target. When at last you have dispatched the arrow it will have traveled one ooch approximately one ooch of time later. At that point, the distance between yourself and the arrow will be one ooch, and from the arrow to the target will also be one ooch. You may reply that you are also standing about one ooch away from the target. In saying this, you are technically correct. Of course, you’re also utterly incorrect, but this must be overlooked. Now, if you wait one more ooch and measure the distance from the arrow to the target, that interval will also be one ooch. This should serve to clarify any remaining doubts, confusions, or misunderstandings.
VI. So It’s Like, A Bit?
No. An ooch is a little more than a bit, except in some extraordinary circumstances when it is a little less than a bit.
VII. So…It’s A Touch Less Than A Smidge?
No. It is almost infinitely more than that. You need to be more precise in your calculations or the overall accuracy of your statements will decrease.
VIII. This Seems Very Complicated…
Not at all. It’s very simple, it’s just an ooch. You needn’t overthink it.
IX. Why Do We Need An Ooch?
Couldn’t we all use an ooch sometimes? A little bit more space or, er, whatever else, could do us a world of good sometimes.
X. I Meant To Ask, What Is The Specific Utility Of 1 Ooch In Making Measurements?
1 Ooch is a unit useful in measuring distances and quantities wherein precision is neither desired nor required. It is a measure so exacting that it is completely indescribable. It’s utility lies in it’s uselessness and it’s consequent inability to describe anything. You use it, and you are always right, and you are always wrong. There. Doesn’t that bring you some much needed peace of mind?
XI. Caveats And Contraindications:
Never use 1 ooch to measure or describe anything. Never attempt to convert ooches into any other unit of weight, general quantity, or measurement. Never use ooches even as a general descriptor. Never try to explain ooches to anyone of a scientific frame of mind or of an otherwise educated background. You do so at your own peril, and without even so much as the passing endorsement of the author.
Please print out this petition on the highest grade paper available, sign it, print your name and full place of residence below the signature, and then place the signed petition into an envelope previously addressed to the highest ranking head of state in your principality, seal the envelope, and then never send it.