In 2024, for the first time ever, global temperatures exceeded the threshold envisioned in the Paris Climate Accords of 1.5 degrees celcius above pre-industrial levels. This had previously been described by climate scientists as a tipping point beyond which the worst effects of climate change became unavoidable. In light of this, we here at Twee Cat Photography have decided to suggest a set of new catchphrases for the beloved US Forestry Service mascot Woodsy Owl, which we feel are more suited to our current reality.
In case you don’t know him, Woodsy is the lesser known cousin of Smokey the Bear, having originated around the same time.
His previous catchphrases include, most famously, “Give a Hoot – Don’t Pollute!” and “Lend a Hand – Care for the Land!” Woodsy is a rather twee character himself, dressed in his green pants and Robin Hood style hat, with an ebullient spirit which knows no dark edges. This introduction having first been given, here are our suggestions to the USFS for new aphoristic things for Woodsy to say:
1) It’s Appalling – Global Emissions Are Not Falling!
This catchphrase envisions Woodsy’s concerned realization that the best laid plans encapsulated in global climate agreements over more than fifty years have not been realized even in part. Global emissions continue to rise year over year. There is yet to be a decline in global emissions in any year, ever. Given that severe reductions in emissions are needed to avoid climate catastrophe, this concerns Woodsy.
2) It’s Become Clear – The Governments Of The World have Systematically Ignored Their Responsibility To The Biosphere!
Given that climate policy agreements and emissions reduction targets have not been implemented by almost all world governments, Woodsy also is forced to awaken to the cold reality that world governments have failed in their responsibility to safeguard the climate systems which maintain life on earth. Since the sustaining of life is one of the major responsibilities of government as an institution, regardless of its form, Woodsy is forced to the cynical conclusion that in political realist terms, world governments individually and taken as a whole are not fit for purpose. They are a failed project which serve only as a means for those with power to exercise it to their own ends. Woodsy finds this realization a psychologically challenging one to absorb, almost as difficult to absorb as the worlds oceans find it to absorb all of the carbon coming their way.
3) Please Understand – You’ll Need A Doomsday Plan!
Woodsy is forced to recognize that severe impacts of climate change are now an inescapable reality which will impact everyone on earth sooner or later. There will be death, starvation, famine, floods, fires, severe storms of all kinds, and many more horrible experiences in store for everyone on earth. Therefore, Woodsy in his public service role is obliged to warn you that you’re going to need a doomsday plan. Buy canned beans. Store away potable water. Build a fortified basement. Reflect on how to escape the major urban area in which you reside. These sorts of things and much more enter for the first time into Woodsy’s mind, and the realization of the severity of these consequences causes him to become bitter and angry in his outlook.
4) It’s No Use – Don’t Reproduce!
Things are on a bad path. Climate change is not being dealt with. Your children, if you have them, will live through a series of catastrophes which are likely to make their lives not worth living. Woodsy thinks back to his college days and the Utilitarianism of John Stewart Mill. If the amount of pain caused by something exceeds the amount of happiness caused by it, it is a net negative. Hedons and dolors and all that. If the life a prospective child would live would contain more suffering than happiness, you have a moral obligation not to bring that child into the world. Woodsy’s understanding of the ecological situation in which we find ourselves dictates that you should not have children under any circumstances because those children will suffer grievous consequences of climate change, which is the direct fault of the actions of their ancestors, including their own parents. Woodsy is warning you about that with this slogan.
5) Don’t Give Birth – Humans Are A Cancer On This Earth!
Now Woodsy’s reflections lead him to a spitefulness and bitter dislike of humanity. But for the actions of humankind, the natural world would be existing peacefully as it had for millions of years. Mass extinctions and climatic disruption brought about by human actions have killed Woodsy’s relatives and driven his own feathered relations into severe decline. The overall number of birds on the North American continent has dropped by 30% since 1970. Woodsy thinks back on the genocide of his people and despises all humans. Woodsy’s encouragement for human beings not to reproduce takes on a new urgency. Not only is it a moral imperative not to reproduce, but doing so is destroying the biosphere.
6) It’s Become Clear – The End Is Near!
Woodsy’s reflections begin to lead him to the conclusion that all is already lost. He must warn everyone, although he now hates the very people who he is kindly advising. But it has become all too clear that the apocalyptic future previously predicted will now come to pass. It is all only a matter of time. Woodsy can see this all clearly in his mind’s eye.
7) There’s No Tomorrow – Our Lives Will End In Sorrow!
Woodsy enters into a deep depression. There is no hope left. There is nothing in the world to look forward to except suffering and destruction. His warnings have fallen on deaf ears. If only you had given a hoot and not polluted.
8) It’s No Lie – We’re All Going To Die!
The turbulent blood orgy of the end times takes on a sinister luster for Woodsy. He dreams of watching the skyscrapers burn. The idea causes him an almost sexual delight.
9) We’ve Reached The Closing Bell – I’ll See You In Hell!
Woodsy is convinced of the moral degeneracy of human beings. They will be condemned to eternal damnation for their callous, uncaring disregard for the community of species. To hell with them all.
10) Heed The Call – The Four Horsemen Are Coming For Us All!
Woodsy feels one last fleeting flicker of compassion and seeks to warn those who may still be listening that the end times are upon us and the biblical moment of reckoning is nearing. But no one is listening. All have forsaken him. The little greet hatted owl Jesus is abandoned to be crucified by the uncaring mob. All have disregarded his kind admonitions. They have spat into his eye as he kindly sought to preserve the natural world. Woodsy starts drinking to ease the pain.
11) Everything Is Gonna Burn!
Woodsy recalls the words of The Pixies –
“And if the ground’s not cold, everything is gonna burn
We’ll all take turns, I’ll get mine too…”
And although the suffering he must inevitably experience has no desirability for him, he reflects that perhaps the world can begin again anew after the cleansing of the fires of the climatic hell that humankind’s careless actions have brought down upon all life on earth. May the hellfire of the end of the world era burn away the dross of moral indifference in the hearts of humans. May they be reawakened to the ways of the ancients who lived with nature instead of trying to conquer it. But may they also suffer for their egocentricity and carelessness.
https://www.usda.gov/about-usda/news/blog/us-forest-service-symbol-woodsy-owl-turns-40
Authors Note: The author of this piece asserts their right under the first amendment of the constitution to invoke the visage of Woodsy Owl, though he be under government owned copyright, as this is a work of parody, and is explicitly declared to be such. This form of speech has been ruled protected by the Supreme Court.